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Sat, Jun 8, 2013 at 7:03 AM

What IS Love

Nicki's blog yesterday was really DEEP. Thoughts i thought were gone reemerged in my brain. Questions i've asked myself over and over but could never quiet pin point the perfect answer to appease my mind appeared right in front of me on a screen. The words written not by me but by an influential black woman who's thoughts & opinions are often misunderstood and taken out of context by the media to make a scandalous headline....Isn't it funny that you never see a story about her Congratulating all her fans who stay in school or graduated or how she constantly motivates us with words of wisdom. Here's one of my favourites "Take ownership & do BETTER! Stop blaming the world 4 your shortcomings.The excuses u make will follow u everywhere u go n rob u of life".... I guess nobody wants to read about a female rapper who is actively a positive role model for her fans. *Shrugs*

But nonetheless she always keeps it REAL.She's a smart business savvy woman who sets a goal and achieves it. That's one of the many reasons i love her. Breaking records and surpassing artists who've been in the industry far longer WHILST travelling around the globe.. and yes that was shade lol *clap for the heavy weight champ*. Even though she is busy 24/7 she never forgets to motivate her fans "WORK HARD AND LAUGH LATER".. Tbh i feel more connected to nic then i do to some family members. She's the reason i'm going back to college in September to finish my performing arts training she made realise my education IS important. Also watching her on Idol giving honest critique to the contestant each week made me figure out that my grandmother doesn't hate me. Her honesty is out of LOVE, nothing she says is done to purposely hurt my feelings, although i be crying like a baby lol. She along with Nic say things that ppl would love to say but never have the balls to. Black sag women have BALLS mate they are lethal when they want to be lol (My granny is a Sagittarius). I'm a Virgo and we take things way to personal tbh :(. But anyway frm watching Idol, i have a much better understanding of where my gran is coming from when she says things& a better relationship bcz of it. I no longer feel threatened or the need to be defensive when having a convo with her. Thank You Nicki.

So bk to yesterday's blog what really struck a cord in me was " What is love? Do we confuse neediness, lust, comfort, status, opportunity, control, manipulation... with love?" I have mistaken ALL with love.

Love was something that i craved but never had, someone to call "my own". Someone i could walk with hand-in-hand down the road smiling, laughing, sum1 who'd put ice cream on my nose then wipe it off seductively whilst i giggle.. The kind of corny shit we admire on the big screen and hope to have in reality...I wanted to grow up fast so badly for reasons still unknown.. What was so appealing about being older? Why couldn't i just enjoy being a child? Why was i so fixated on being in a relationship at such a young age? Was it the desire to fit in with my group of friends who had tons of relationships? .. Years later when i finally found what i thought was love which ultimately was a waste of 3 years of my life.... i had to fight for it right? Were always told "Fight for what you believe in".... "Never give up on someone, you cant go a day without thinking about" so that's what i did.

On and off again. The emotional strain of trying to figure out what the hell your partner wants. Do you want to be with me? Do you want those other girls? Questions that are simple never get simple answers. You get so tired of hearing "I don't know" "It doesn't matter" that you slowly stop caring. A guilty party always tries to reflect their wrong doings onto you, accusing you of things that you've never done.The simplest things turned into arguments. Have you ever asked your partner who a female was and watched them get so angry and defensive over a question.That right there is a warning sign that something isn't right..Curiosity killed the cat and It killed me to know all the time i was faithful my ex wasn't..Who has watched the break up with Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn? I had the "I want you to WANT to do the dishes" argument at least once a month. My ex couldn't understand why i was pissed off all the time, i shouldn't have to tell you to do the dishes you should want to do the dishes to help out in the house. Lies and cheating occurred on my ex behalf and i still wanted to see the good.. I was so delusional, believing all the promises,i kept telling myself if i do this then my ex wont cheat or text women behind my back.I honestly thought i was the problem. Have you ever told a partner how you feel and they make you feel like your feelings aren't valid ? *sigh* i spent most of the relationship fighting for my ex to stay that i know longer knew what the hell i was fighting for, you don't have a job or ambition,half the time i feel like i'm your mum constantly telling you what you should be doing instead of being lazy, your addicted to FB, you sponge of me for money. Why am i so frightened to let you go? You want to leave? BYE BITCH! I guess i had such a low self esteem at the time i was afraid that a relationship that was once so good could never happen to me again that i'll end up like Ms Havisham from great expectations. Alone & bitter.

Eventually i learnt to let go, i feel free i feel freedom !!! Being single feels so damn gd not having to care abt anyone besides myself. It sounds selfish but i lost myself and i'm slowly regaining who i am back and i love it. I don't know what love is but i know the first step is to love yourself !!!!! That's what i'm doing right now.

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