Mon, Aug 1, 2011 at 12:50 PM
Things I Hate to Express
I really hate to say this, but I doubt I'll ever meet you. It makes me cry daily. I hate the feeling, because it eats away at me & breaks my heart badly. I know you'll never see this, but I just want you to know why it breaks my heart so much. I don't want to meet you, just to say I met you & to make people jealous. I have a story to tell you. My story. The reason why I feel so close to you. Why I've been stanning for you since I was thirteen. When I was younger, my grandmother raised me, because my mom worked so much & I went weeks without seeing her sometimes. It was just normal to me. I've always resented my father. *deep sigh* I think you can understand why. He was & still is a heavy alcoholic. I try to forgive him, but it's hard. When I was younger and even now, I pray to become a famous rapper, that way I can see my mother truly smile, put my little brother through college & see life without struggle. When I was twelve I wrote my first rap, too. "Cutie 101". Yeah...I'll never spit that again. lol. But Nicki, I just want you to know that I understand your story, because everything you've been through, I've actually been through. I can't lie and say I haven't. I cried during your E! Special, because not only did you tell your story, you told mine. Autobiography....I can honestly say every lyric in that song describes my story. Every verse, every bar. I know how it feels Nicki. If I meet you, I'll elaborate. But Nicki, I know how it feels to be so young and to have such a dark past. Such a difficult story to tell & feeling like no one will understand. Nicki, I understand. I swear I do. I feel your pain. When you cry, I cry, because I understand. I can't stress it anymore than I already am. I really pray that one day I can sit down and talk to you. One on One. I can tell you everything. I look up to you like a big sister. I knew from the first time I saw you on youtube saying "My name is Maraj..." in Click Clack, I knew you were going to be someone special. You proved me right. You are an extraordinary person & I want to thank you for pushing me to do better. For talking to me on the phone back in December and telling me to stay in school, right when I was getting ready to drop out. I'm going on my senoir year of high school, now & I want to thank you for pushing me to strive for the best & to follow my dreams. Love you Onika. I really do.
To The Barbz
I labeled this "Things I Hate to Express" because there are certain things in my past that I don't tell people. Things I'd rather just keep to myself. I just decided to let y'all in on a little bit of the skeletons in my closet. I know you guys understand, but I just want you all to know that Nicki has truly made me a stronger woman. The way she's handled all of the darkness of her past. She's so strong. I swear. I always thought that I could never be confident. I could never succeed like Nicki. When I heard her story...her whole story...I cried so hard that night. That whole night after the E! Special. It wasn't the first time I had heard her story, but to just see how she's grown over time. Mentally, that is. She has always remained strong. No matter how many people knocked her down & told her she couldn't do it, she remained strong & proved them all wrong. She's the reason I strive for the best. I really hope you all support me when it's my time to hit the music industry. Some of you have heard me rap on youtube & some haven't. I know I stopped making videos, partly because at a certain time this year, I went through a depression. I guess you could call it a relapse. I have been in and out of a depression for two years. I don't really try to make it noticeable & I attempt to seem happy, but you know. I just want y'all to know that I'm doing better. I may not be completely over it, but I'm okay. I still have some nights when I cry myself to sleep, but *deep sigh* I'm good. You guys put a smile on my face every day. I want y'all to know that. I truly do love y'all. I normally don't open up like this to just anyone, but I love my team. Y'all are beyond adorable and cute! lol. Just continue to keep me in your prayers barbz & kenz. Like I said, I'm good. So don't think it's anything drastic or anything. It was just because of my past, school & maybe a teaspoon of the fact that I can't see my Nicki, but hey, I'll be okay. I love you guys sooo so so sooo much! Muah! xoxo